The Spirit Of The Season
by Lizzie9
Summary: Dec. 20, season 2. Meredith does something unforgiveable, and in the breakdown of his marriage, and the love he thought he had waiting, Derek breaks down. Meredith can walk away and let him rebuild, or she can give him her heart, because it's Christmas.
1. Prolouge

**Title: The Spirit Of The Season**

**Authors: Sara and Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, maybe sex**

**Disclaimer: Obviously the show does not belong to two college girls.**

**Summary: Not knowing who he is, Meredith sleeps with Mark. Derek confesses his love to her, and then finds out about Mark. In a jealous rage, he makes a lot of bad choices that send him back to New York. With Christmas looming, Meredith has a choice to make. She can forget him, or she can bring him back to Seattle. **

**Author's Note: We couldn't resist a Christmas story. Especially not one that culminates in the only city that can really celebrate Christmas. NYC. (love new york. We're transferring back! For those of you interested in our personal lives. Its just that we feel like we know you guys.)**

**We're pretending the season 2 episode 'Yesterday' is set in late November/ early December. **

**Oh! And this is our first fic in first person POV. And we know this is short, its a prolouge. They'll get longer. So show us love. Review.**

"_This is gonna bring me clarity." –The Fray_

_Meredith_

"You're hitting on me in the hospital." I said to the dashing stranger who was looking at me intensely. And when I say intensely, I mean it. In every sense of the word. Intense. And Dashing. Very dashing.

But not Derek. No, those are bad thoughts. The thoughts I should not be thinking, because Derek is married. To Addison. Who he chose. And she's probably striding around the hospital in some immaculate Dolce and Gabbana number, complete with Manolo Blahnik stilettos. Great comparison to me and my scrubs and my hair I haven't washed since… _ugh_. No wonder he chose her.

No, refocus. Hot stranger. "Yes, I guess I am." He says, smiling. I instinctively lick my lips and smile back.

"That feels sort of inappropriate." I say. "You know, blood, surgery, flirting. Not exactly a match."

He looks me up and down, slowly. "I guess you're right. I'll have to find you outside the hospital then….?"

He trails off and I realize he's asking for my name. "Meredith." I manage to stutter out. "It's Meredith."

"Meredith." He says. And God it rolls off his tongue very nicely. "I'll see you, Meredith." He says, striding away.

I blow out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding. Jesus. Well that kind of makes me feel better about myself. At least someone is still choosing me.

Of course it doesn't change the fact that I'm entrenched in an all consuming, heart wrenching love for a married brain surgeon. A brain surgeon. How cliché is my life?

And now, I've just become a bona fide drama queen. Enough, Meredith. I look down at my hands, remembering that I'm an intern. I have a purpose to my life other than pining for Derek Shepherd.

Right. Charts. Post Op notes. Nurse's station, fourth floor. Elevator. Ugh. I do not have a good track record with elevators. I trudge toward the bank of them, and select the one at the far end. Most people will take the elevator in the middle. Or something.

I slip inside and hit the button with my thumb. Just as I convince myself it's going to be a mundane, run on the mill ride, a hand attached to an arm thrusts itself inside. The arm is, regretfully, attached to Dr. Shepherd himself. He jumps in, and before the doors close again, the only other occupant of the car, Olivia, syph nurse herself, darts out.

Bitch. I knew there was another reason I didn't like her. "Dr. Grey." Derek says, in _that _voice.

It's his inflection that kills me. "Dr. Shepherd." I say, nodding. He's staring at me, intensely. Wait. Déjà vu? No, it's just I thought the stranger was giving me an intense look. But it was nothing compared to the fire in Derek's eyes.

He smiles. I smile. This little dance never seems to stop. He blinks. Once, twice, then again. And now he's staring at me in this dazed manner, like I just clobbered him over the head with someone heavy.

"Um, are you okay?" I ask.

He nods. "Yea." He says softly. "I'm great."

The elevator dings on floor number four and I step off. I was going to stride away. A stride that would say 'I'm over you, Derek Shepherd. I'm over you and your hair, and your eyes, and your good sex. Over it.' But I don't.

I turn and smile. "I'll see ya, Derek."

He smiles, his expression not changing. "Yea."

* * *

_Derek_

I'm married. I have been for eleven years. Married. Betrothed. Till death do us part.

And the Derek Shepherd that stood in the fancy New York City church, in a Tom Ford for Gucci tuxedo, staring at the red head in the white Vera Wang gown? That Derek Shepherd just died. Gone forever.

He breathed his last when the elevator doors opened, and Meredith Grey tried not to look at me. I couldn't stop staring at her, which is nothing new. But today, I really saw her. That hair, those eyes.

My secret? My deep, dark, dirty lie? I don't love my wife. I love this intern who's ignoring me in an elevator. I started blinking at her, because the revelation that I was wasting my time not being with her was washing over me like a baptism.

"Um, are you okay?" she asks me, like I'm going to fall over or something.

I nodded, stunned at how simple it all seemed now. Meredith. Love. I had made it all so much more complicated than it had to be. It was all right there in front of my face.

"Yea, I'm great." I murmur stupidly. The elevator stops and she gets off, paces a few steps, then turns around, smiling.

"I'll see ya, Derek." She says. Derek. Not Dr. Shepherd. The formality disappears. I'm Derek again, the guy from the bar, the boyfriend.

I think I said something to her in response, but I'm not sure. All I want to do is run, find Addison and say things. Things I should I have a long time ago. Things about true love, and Meredith and divorce. Only I don't. Because I'm overwhelmed and impulsive right now.

And I need time, time to process these thoughts, slow them down, and make them sensible. I'm not even making much sense to myself right now. But I feel something I haven't felt in a long time. _Happiness_.

And then, I step off the elevator and see Mark Sloan. Here. In Seattle.

So much for happiness.


	2. Guilt

**Title: The Spirit Of The Season**

**Authors: Sara and Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, maybe sex**

**Disclaimer: Obviously the show does not belong to two college girls.**

**Summary: Not knowing who he is, Meredith sleeps with Mark. Derek confesses his love to her, and then finds out about Mark. In a jealous rage, he makes a lot of bad choices that send him back to New York. With Christmas looming, Meredith has a choice to make. She can forget him, or she can bring him back to Seattle. **

**Author's Note: We couldn't resist a Christmas story. Especially not one that culminates in the only city that can really celebrate Christmas. NYC. (love new york. We're transferring back! For those of you interested in our personal lives. Its just that we feel like we know you guys.)**

**We're pretending the season 2 episode 'Yesterday' is set on Dec. 20th, and take it from there with us. ****Oh! And this is our first fic in first person POV. So show us love. Review.**

_You're so guilty it's disgusting,  
he's been sneaking underneath your sheets,  
and your hands have been places,  
that they probably shouldn't go.  
-Taking Back Sunday_

_Derek_

Rage. That's the only way to describe it. Seattle is supposed to be the place where I don't have to think about the time I found my best friend screwing my wife. But it isn't anymore, because Mark is here.

This was my oasis. Seattle had everything I needed. Coffee, ferryboats, fishing and Meredith Grey. Now he's here and it's ruined. Dark clouds have settled over my oasis.

And the sun just started shining again this morning. I haven't been happy. That much I know. I've been less than happy. Addison and I, we're over. Emotionally, mentally, we're over. But she's my _wife_.

And she asked me to try again. And what kind of person would I be if I gave up eleven years of marriage with my wife? Only this morning, in the elevator with Meredith I realized that the trying was never going to work, and the oasis became sunny again.

Until Mark. Now I'm rage filled and I need somewhere to lash out this rage. That's the bad thing about your world boiling down to one person. When you're angry at the world, you usually take it out on them, because you know they'll forgive you.

That's what I do. And since, my world is Meredith, she's going to bear the brunt of this rage. Maybe her friends are right. Maybe I am an ass.

A feeling settles over me, like a rain cloud. I wait for the uneasiness to define its self and it does. Ahh, guilt. I'm planning to leave my wife now. It's tangible and in my head as a plan, a decisive move, not just an abstract fantasy. And it's tainted with guilt.

I'm going to Meredith first, because I've hurt her. I've hurt her endlessly, more times than I can stomach to think of, so she gets to be the first to know. And then I've got to tell Addison. I want a divorce.

I can imagine saying it. I can almost feel the words leaving my lips. It should make me feel better. But Mark being here? It fills me with rage.

* * *

_Meredith_

I'm smiley. It's kind of creepy, even to me. If all it takes is one little good moment in an elevator with Derek to make me smiley, what does that say about my resolve?

Nothing good. It's pathetic beyond all measure that I'm practically skipping down the hallway right now.

To add to my mounting embarrassment, I practically collide with Addison halfway down the hallway. For once, she isn't looking all put together and perfect. She's disheveled and has this odd look on her face. "Dr. Grey." She murmurs.

"Sorry." I say. She shakes her head and keeps right on walking. Whatever. Not my problem. Charts. Things to do. Right. I'm scribbling something down with pen that's slowly but surely running out of ink, and I feel eyes on me. I look up and connect with those blue eyes.

I smile. "Derek." I say, lightly, feeling slightly ashamed at my tone of voice. He doesn't say anything, just nods. "Got a case?" I ask looking at the file in his hands. He nods. "Need an intern? Any help?" I prompt. Where was Derek from the elevator, anyway?

He looks at me sharply. "Dr. Grey." He says, spitting out the name he never calls me. "If all you want is a case, why don't you ask your resident for one?"

Okaaay. Obviously something is bothering him. I reach over and lay a gentle hand on his arm. "Derek, what's wrong?"

He pulls his arm away from, like I'm burning his skin, and gives me this _look_. Not a good look. "It's Dr. Shepherd." He says coldly. "And everything is fine. Or it will be as soon as I find my wife." He stalks off, and I just stand there, staring after him.

Happy birthday, Jesus. Would it kill him to embrace the spirit of the season? Give me _something_? Or at least not act so helplessly bipolar. I like to think he doesn't mean it. That he does these things to me out love, or at least just carelessness.

But I can't ignore the way they sting.

* * *

_Mark_

I might be going for a world record. How many lives can I shatter in three days? Addison sees me, and her face just drains. Her jaw drops a little and she just stares. Like she can't even believe that I'm standing there.

Like she doesn't even want me to be standing there. Which proves that I was right. I came here, banking on the fact that the marriage Shepherd was pretty much over, and Addison was pretty much in denial about it.

And I'm right. Somehow I don't feel satisfied. It killed me to see the pain in her eyes, which was the first thing I noticed. That fire in her eyes, that icy blue flame that has never failed to fascinate, intrigue, and arouse me? That fire has died.

And then there's Derek. He sees me. His eyes register confusion. His eyes narrow. He shakes his head and walks away. He hasn't changed.

And then there's Meredith. She's young, wide eyed and heart broken. She's still got a fire in her eyes. It hasn't died yet. I can tell she hasn't been dealt an easy hand, but she's still got the fire.

She was unfortunate enough to fall for Derek. She fell into their triangle, and I can use her. So I'm going to. God willing, I'm going to smile at her enough and sweet talk her enough to use her.

The return date on my plane ticket to New York is December twenty third. Three days from now. So, how many lives can I shatter in three days?

* * *

_Meredith_

"Grey!" Joe calls at I walk into the bar. It's not as crowded as it usually is. I lift a hand and trudge to the bar. I look at him, and his raised eyebrows and nod. He sets a glass in front of me and I raise it to my lips, tip my head back and feel it burn, all the way down.

"Bad day?" Joe asks, refilling my glass.

"Oh yeah." I say. "Started good, got better, and then it fell to pieces. He kills me, Joe. In a new way every time." Glass to lips, head back, burn. If I do that enough times, everything is just going to fade into numbness.

And I like numbness. I feel heat from a body sinking down next to me, and turn my head. The handsome stranger from the hospital. Joe raises his eyebrows, and mouths 'wow'.

"Meredith." He says.

"Meredith." I confirm. There's a clink as Joe places a glass in front of me. Lips, head back, burn. I nod for another glass and repeat.

The McSteamy Stranger lets out a low whistle. McSteamy. Hm, that's good. "You might want to slow down, Meredith." I smile, and tip another shot past my lips, down my throat.

"You keep calling me Meredith, but I don't even know your name."

He smiles. And what a smile it is. "Mark. I'm Mark."

"We're not in the hospital, anymore, Mark." I hear myself saying. "You're free to hit on me now."

* * *

Hours later, we're stumbling back into my house. At least, I'm stumbling. He seems to be pretty stable. At least I hope so, because I'm drunk, and I'm holding onto him. Mike. Or did he say Mark?

"Oh yeah. I'm drunk." That sounded so much louder than it did in my head. Was that out loud. It must have been because McSteamy Mark is chuckling at me. Or was it Mike?_ Damn it_.

"You might be drunk." He says. I turn towards him and before my impulses can control themselves, I'm pressing my body into his, pressing my lips to his and pushing my tongue into his mouth.

And what a mouth he has. I can think of a lot of things to do with that mouth. Okay, Meredith, get it together. You don't know anything about this guy other than that he's Mark. Or Mike. Or Matt, maybe. Some 'M' name.

I'm still contemplating this as he's flipping me onto my bed and removing my bra. My thoughts stop when he starts using that mouth on what he's just freed from my lingerie.

"Jesus." I hear myself moaning. I reach down, and with surprising dexterity, undo his belt buckle. Before I could tell you that my name is Meredith Grey, he's naked, I'm naked and he's sliding inside of me.

And it's good. Really good. I mean, he's no Derek Shepherd, but lately, I have been indulging in a lot of sex. A lot of trying to get over the fact that the love of my life is married sex. And some of it has been good. But none of it has come close to this.

Oh yeah. This is really good. I feel my left arm fly behind my head, and I think my fingers actually grip the headboard. I have this horrible feeling my five other fingers are digging into his back. And with good reason.

This is motion, and bodies, and thrusts and heat. He kisses my collarbone, and slides his mouth down further, and even in my drunken, sex covered haze, I can hear myself making noise- a lot of noise.

Before I know it, the heat is rolling through my body in spasms, and I'm sure he's in the same place. Yup. As he rolls off me, gasping, I start to fall asleep. Or maybe I'm just passing out. I have one last coherent thought before I'm completely gone.

Didn't Derek know a Mark once?

* * *

I'm not thinking anything when I wake up. My eyes are shut, because my head is pounding and I know that opening my eyes is just going to make that a whole lot worse. Sadly, there's a pounding at my door, and then Izzie appears.

I'm about to kill her for the noise and the sound, and making me move that fraction of an inch, but when I open one eye, I see she's got water, coffee and, thank God, aspirin. I accept all three, and she sinks down onto the bed.

"So, Mark Sloan is our kitchen." She said.

"Who the hell is that?"

"You know. The plastics guy. From New York. Alex is like, salivating over his presence."

All of a sudden, I'm wide awake. Mark. Plastics. New York. No. I sit up with lightning speed, and stare, wide eyed at Izzie. "Oh my God." She looks at me, strangely. Ignoring the blinding pain behind my eyes, I'm throwing on clothes from the floor and running down the steps.

"Tell me you don't know who I am." I say.

He looks at me, still steamy, even the morning after. "The girl who's wearing my shirt? The girl who tightens in just the right way at just the time?" He winks.

"Ew." Says Izzie, behind me.

"Mark Sloan." I say. "Derek's best friend Mark." I don't look at Izzie, but I keep my stare fixed on him.

He nods. "That'd be me." He smirks. I freeze.

"You knew, didn't you?" I demand. He shrugs. What the hell did I do?

**So now, she knows it's him. And Derek has decided to confess his love to her. Obviously, this wont go well. Reveiw!**


	3. Regret

**Title: The Spirit Of The Season**

**Authors: Sara and Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, maybe sex**

**Disclaimer: Obviously the show does not belong to two college girls.**

**Summary: Not knowing who he is, Meredith sleeps with Mark. Derek confesses his love to her, and then finds out about Mark. In a jealous rage, he makes a lot of bad choices that send him back to New York. With Christmas looming, Meredith has a choice to make. She can forget him, or she can bring him back to Seattle. **

**Author's Note: We couldn't resist a Christmas story. Especially not one that culminates in the only city that can really celebrate Christmas. NYC. (love new york. We're transferring back! For those of you interested in our personal lives. Its just that we feel like we know you guys.)**

**We're pretending the season 2 episode 'Yesterday' is set in late November/ early December. This chapter is sort of short, but next chapter will involve Derek confessing his love to Meredith, and Derek learning about Meredith and Mark. Uh oh!**

**Oh! And this is our first fic in first person POV. So show us love. Review.**

_How dare you say that my behavior's unnacceptable,  
so condecending, unneccesarily critical.  
-Maroon 5_

_December 21_

_Meredith_

I am freaking out. _Freaking out_. Sometimes, I hate myself in a need to crawl out of my own skin kind of way. This is why. I almost wish I had done something less stupid, like sleep with George. Or even Izzie.

"I definitely should have slept with Izzie." I mutter.

"Yes." George and Mark say at the same time. I glare at both of them. We're all just sitting here in the kitchen. Izzie is on the floor next to me, George is standing, and Mark is leaning against my counter, making coffee.

"Um, what's um, going on?" George asks, looking back and forth between Mark and I.

"Oh my God." I mutter, dropping my head into my hands. I look at him. "What is wrong with you?" I ask him my tone explosive with anger. "Do you hate him that much?"

He shakes his head. "I love her that much."

I stare at him; pretty sure my mouth is hanging open unattractively. "So, this, the flirting, the grand seduction, this was all a manipulative tactic?"

He considers this for a while, and then shakes his head. "Pretty much. Not that you weren't very, very good." He winks at me, and I feel like I'm going to die. Or throw up.

I stand up, as painful as that is, and stride over to Mark, planting myself right in front of him. "He can never know." I tell him. "Please, he can never, never know."

"But you're not with him. He's married to Addison. So why does it matter?"

"It matters because that won't matter to him! He'll still be hurt and livid, and he'll have a right to be! He can't find out."

It hits me that he's probably going to find out. Mark is not striking me as the type to play nice. I sink back down on the floor next to Izzie, who places a comforting hand on my shoulder, and glares at Mark on principle.

I notice George is gone, but I don't remember when he left. I sigh, turn to Izzie and lay my head on her shoulder. "Seriously." I say. "I should have just slept with you."

She looks over at Mark, who nods vigorously, and crosses his arms over his muscular chest. "Don't let me stop you." I pick up a shoe someone has left on the floor, and hurl it at him. I miss, but it gets my point across.

* * *

_Cristina_

When I get morning phone calls from George, I know. I know its Meredith. A lot of people wouldn't be able to tolerate it. The need, the disasters. But I know that I don't have a lot of hugs and cupcakes to offer like Izzie does, so I feel almost like I redeem myself by picking her up and carrying her through her disasters.

George mumbles something about McSteamy into the phone. "McDreamy." I correct him, rolling over, so as not to wake up Burke.

"No, McSteamy." George insists. "Look, she's freaking out. Just get here."

By the time I'm dressed and ready to leave, Burke is leaning in the door jamb of the bedroom, still in his pajamas, watching me. He's not asking me any questions, but his eyebrows are raised.

And that man can ask a million questions with his freaking eyebrows. I sigh and look down. Last time I told him I had a thing. He didn't like that. At all.

So maybe, this time, I should just tell him where I'm going. I want to stop slowly pushing him away. I don't want to be in love with him like I am, but now that I am in love like I am, I really don't want to lose him either.

"George called." I say. "Meredith's freaking out. Apparently, there's a McSteamy in the picture now."

He smiles, and nods. "Tell Grey if she can get it together, you can both scrub in on my triple bypass."

I smile back, walk towards him and kiss him. "Thanks." I say. "Or like, whatever."

He chuckles at me, and ambles toward the bathroom. I leave, and twenty minutes later, I'm walking into the apocalypse in Meredith's kitchen. She's standing, facing some super hot guy, who's smirking at her. She's shouting at him, and Izzie and George are sitting on the floor, cowering.

"Derek was right!" Meredith shouts. "You are an asshole!"

"Look, Meredith, I'm not here to prove Derek right. Addison came here on a case. She didn't even call me to say she wasn't coming back!"

I lean against the doorframe, crossing my arms over my chest and watching as Meredith's face changes from rage to horror, before stopping at some combination of those two.

"You were _with_ her when she left?" she asks, her mouth hanging open unattractively.

"We were living together. We love each other. You get it now, Grey?" The hot stranger screams at her. That's when I get it. This is Mark. Addison's Mark. Derek's old best friend Mark.

And judging from Mer's not so subtle outfit of her Dartmouth shirt and a pair of underwear, it's not too hard to guess why he's in the kitchen, or why they're shouting. Meredith must have slept with _Addison's_ Mark.

"Oh my God." I say before I can stop myself. "Meredith, McDreamy's going to go off the deep end."

She looks over at me, blinking. "Cristina?"

"Who's she?" Mark asks combatively.

"My best friend." Meredith snaps. I raise my eyebrows, impressed Meredith is seriously holding her ground.

I step in and try to act a mediator, but it's hard with these two shouting. I keep shooting pointed looks at Bambi and Tinkerbell, but they're sitting on the floor with coffee mugs and muffins, watching like it's a freaking boxing match.

"Meredith!" I shout over her. She looks at me. "How did this happen?"

She sighs. "Derek went off on me. I didn't know who he was." I nod, because this is a normal occurrence.

"Does Derek know that you and Addison were shacked up in New York?" I ask.

Mark glares at me. "It was not shacked up." He looks down. "He didn't know."

I look at Meredith, trying to send her signals with my stare. This, Mc, McSteamy guy seems to read them better then she does. "No, he would not have stayed with her if he knew."

"Come on, Mer." I muttered. "It was all in the eyes."

"Yea, he doesn't know. Whatever…" Her eyes get huge, and she seems to finally get it. "Because he wouldn't have stayed with her… that _bitch._"

I roll my eyes. There's no way I'm going to be on time for work today.


	4. Consequences

**Title: The Spirit Of The Season**

**Authors: Sara and Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, maybe sex**

**Disclaimer: Obviously the show does not belong to two college girls.**

**Summary: Not knowing who he is, Meredith sleeps with Mark. Derek confesses his love to her, and then finds out about Mark. In a jealous rage, he makes a lot of bad choices that send him back to New York. With Christmas looming, Meredith has a choice to make. She can forget him, or she can bring him back to Seattle. **

**Author's Note: We couldn't resist a Christmas story. Especially not one that culminates in the only city that can really celebrate Christmas. NYC. (speaking of our hometown, we've got our eye on a loft on Ave B. Very bohemian, very rent, very good for us to live in while we go to nyu. Anyone want to convince our parents we should live in the east village??)**

**We're pretending the season 2 episode 'Yesterday' is set in late November/ early December. Sorry update the lax updates on all of our stuff. Being home has made us lazzzy. But, we promise more frequent updates, seeing as we've got fics to finish and seqeuls to write.**

**Oh! And this is our first fic in first person POV. So show us love. Review.**

_December 21_

_Meredith_

Coward. That's me. A big, guilty, coward. I've spent the entire day begging Bailey for jobs in remote corners of the hospital. Mark is here, for some reason, something about a case. The only news I get is when I meet Cristina in the locker room for updates.

So far, so good, she says. Even still, I'm avoiding Derek, Addison and Mark like the plague. Later that night, around eight, I'm starving. I'm tired of suturing in a barren, desolate hallway of the third floor. I'm tired of avoiding.

It takes a lot of energy to be a good avoider. So, after I finish my last suture, I creep, yes, creep, to an elevator I'm sure no one will be on. After slinking inside, I allow myself a victorious slump against the wall. The cold metal is supporting me, and my eyes are closed.

I'm severely tempted to bang my head against the elevator walls until I'm just unconscious, but I refrain. Fighting this temptation is clearly what distracts me, and I don't notice until it's too late that the elevator isn't going upwards, like I'd planned. I open one eye, and there he is.

Derek Shepherd, in the flesh, right in front of me. "Uhh…" I say. Seriously. Of all the things I could have uttered in that moment, all the greetings, all the apologies, all the anything, I choose uh. How eloquent.

The only thing that keeps me from dying right there is the fact that Derek isn't looking enraged, so much. In fact, he's grinning. And staring at my lips.

And before my brain can continue its monologue, he's kissing me.

* * *

_Derek_

It shocked her, I'm sure. That I just grabbed her and kissed her in the elevator. Hell, it surprised me. The doors weren't even completely shut. But I couldn't have focused on what I needed to tell her if I couldn't stop staring at her lips. I had to kiss her. Get it out of my system.

I feel myself reluctantly releasing her, and before I know what I'm doing, I'm pressing the stop button on the elevator.

"Derek, what the hell are you doing?" she asks, her cheeks flushed, and her eyes flashing adorably. "Oh my God. You're married. You can't do that."

I grin at her. "See, this is why I like you. All those commands. Someone needs to boss me around."

She's not smiling. Her eyes are reflecting hurt, and maybe guilt. "Derek, please don't…."

I shake my head and grab both of her hands impulsively. Everything I want to say to her is swirling around in my head, and I can't seem to make sense of any of it. So I finally just blurt out the one thing I know I need to tell her.

"I love you." Her eyes get huge, and she blinks at me.

"What?"

Somewhere in my jumbled timeline of a brain, it occurs to me I've never said this to her before. Grinning so hard I swear my face is going to crack, I bring one hand to her face and tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"I love you. I love your hair, and your dysfunctional house of interns. I love the way you run after Bailey, and the way you try not to look at me. I love you."

"Derek, what about….?"

I put a finger to her lips to silence her. I'm going a million miles a minute now, and the only way I can keep myself from exploding with the joyous absurdity of it all is to keep talking.

"I made a mistake Meredith. I was blinded by obligation, and duty, but I'm not the person I was when I married Addison. I'm not. I feel like I don't even know who that person is anymore, and I feel like I don't want to."

I inhale and just keep talking. "I love you. And I have spent everyday wising that I was not married, and I have tried, Meredith, I really tried, and the reason that I can't make it work with Addison is not because of Mark, it's because I've changed and I love you."

Her mouth drops slightly, and I push the button on the elevator to get it moving again. "You have until we get off to say something."

For awhile, I'm afraid she's just going to get off and walk away and avoid the whole thing all together, but then the doors slide open, and we step out into a deserted hallway, and she flings her tiny arms around my neck.

* * *

_Meredith _

I can't speak. Or breathe. But when we get off the elevator I know I have to do something, so I throw myself at him. "Oh Derek." I breathe into his chest. I can't believe what he's just told me. This is it, this is the moment, this is everything I've been holding on for. He takes my hand and pulls me down the hall.

"Derek…" I say. He shakes his head.

"We need to talk, Mer. Establish rules. Make plans."

Plans. I have plans with Derek Shepherd. I feel like I'm floating through the hospital. And then I hear a sickeningly familiar voice.

"You came here on a case, Addie! We were together, we were supposed to be _in love_, and you came here on a case and just never came home!"

"Mark, I was married. I had to make it work with Derek. That doesn't change the fact that I loved you."

"Loved? What, it went away? Varies by time zone? Jesus, Addison, you're killing me."

There was a long silence, and Derek looks stricken. I lay a hand on his arm, and he looks down at me and smiles. He intertwines our fingers, and I squeeze his hand. I almost get so lost in us, I forget to listen to the apocalypse happening before us.

Addison's talking again. "Fine, Mark I love you. I'm in love you. What do you want me to do? End it with my husband and get on the next plane to New York?"

"It'd be a start."

"Don't act like you're just a victim here."

"Oh, so you can sleep with Derek, but I can't sleep with anyone?" It's Derek's turn to squeeze my hand reassuringly, but I'm too sick over what's coming next to notice.

I tug his hand, thinking I'll just tell him now, fast, and get it over with. "Derek." I hiss. "Derek I need to tell you something…."

He shakes his head, and motions towards the voices. I can feel nausea rising in my stomach.

"Oh God." Addison is saying. "She didn't know. She didn't know who you were. If she did, she wouldn't have touched you. She wouldn't do that to Derek!"

Derek's eyes blink, and he looks confused for a minute. "Fine, she didn't know."

"Jesus, Mark, she's a kid! She's a kid who's in love with her attending, and he's married, and that's bad enough. On top of that, you what? Picked her up in a bar? Manipulated her? If there was anyone you were going to sleep with in Seattle, it should have been anyone but Meredith Grey."

I'm shocked to hear Addison of all people, defending me, but when I turn to Derek, he's looking at me with a repulsion that makes tears well in my eyes. He tears his hand from my grasp and goes storming toward the voices.

"Derek!" I call following him. I can feel tears running down my face. He marches into the vacant waiting area where Addison and Mark have been having this conversation, and literally grabs Mark by his collar and shoves him against a wall.

"I want to hear him say it." Derek says. Addison is ghostly pale, and even Mark looks shaken. "Say it!" Derek shouts, shaking him.

Mark is silent for a long time, until he finally looks Derek right in the eye. "I slept with her." He says. A beat passes, as I frantically try to think of a way to stop this, but before I can come up with anything, or build a time machine to take it back, Derek is slamming his hand into Mark's face. One swing, then another, and he's pulling back for a third, when Addison grabs his arms.

"Derek, stop it!" she shouts, shrilly. Derek whirls around to face me.

"How could you do this? It's _Mark_."

I stumble toward him blindly, crying, shaking my head, reaching for him. He looks at me disgustedly. "I didn't know it was him!" I shout.

"That's not good enough!" he screams at me.

"Derek, please!" I beg. "I had no idea it was him."

"You slept with Mark, Meredith. You're supposed to be the one I…" he trails off. "That's not good enough."

"You forgave Addison!" I hear myself shouting. I really, really wish I could stop talking, but I can't. Everything just starts pouring out. "She stayed with him the whole time you were in Seattle, and you forgave her!"

Addison turns to look at me, murder in her eyes, and for an absurd second, I'm afraid she's going to take off one of her pointy heeled shoes and stab me with them, but of course, she just stands there.

"Derek, please." I whisper. "I love you, you know that."

But he doesn't say anything, he just takes one last look at this bizarre scene, me in front of him, crying, Addison, stone still behind me, and Mark, leaning against the wall, bleeding. He shakes his head and turns around.

"That's not enough." He mutters, before pulling out his cell phone and walking away.


	5. Sink Or Swim

**Title: The Spirit Of The Season**

**Authors: Sara and Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, maybe sex**

**Disclaimer: Obviously the show does not belong to two college girls.**

**Summary: Not knowing who he is, Meredith sleeps with Mark. Derek confesses his love to her, and then finds out about Mark. In a jealous rage, he makes a lot of bad choices that send him back to New York. With Christmas looming, Meredith has a choice to make. She can forget him, or she can bring him back to Seattle. **

**Author's Note: We couldn't resist a Christmas story. Especially not one that culminates in the only city that can really celebrate Christmas. NYC. ****We're pretending the season 2 episode 'Yesterday' is set in late November/ early December. **

**So, we havent been getting a lot of feedback lately, and we realized our last few updates for all of our fics have SUCKED. so we're trying hard to improve all writing. In this particular story, we went with a large Addison POV. Enjoy.**

**Oh! And this is our first fic in first person POV. So show us love. Review.**

_And you're gone now,  
and did it make you happier,  
was it that hard,  
do what you have to….  
-Guster_

_December 22_

_Derek_

Coward. That's me. I'm half way across the country when I realize that I'm being a coward. I've been so sickened by the thought of Mark picking up Meredith at Joe's, taking her home, walking up the stairs to her bed, _our_ bed, and touching her, being inside of her, it makes me sick.

But she didn't know. I believe that she didn't know. Which is why, now, somewhere over North Dakota, or Michigan or something, I realize that I'm being an idiot. I should have stayed, I should have talked to her, but I just…. Ran. Like I did with Addison.

And Meredith is a hundred times more important than Addison, and maybe, just maybe, I want to fix this. I think Meredith is the love of my life. I think she's it for me. I always had a hidden, romantic belief is soul mates, and when I look at her, I think she's mine.

She was the one thing I really believed in. Until now. So maybe I don't want to fix this. But if I don't there's no moving forward. I'll never find another Meredith Grey. So, what does Derek Shepherd, world renowned neurosurgeon, do when things get rough?

He runs the other way.

* * *

_Meredith_

It's entirely possible that when I woke up this morning, I didn't wake up in Seattle, Washington, but that I was actually transported to a bizarre alternate universe when absolutely nothing makes any freaking sense.

That's really the only explanation for any of this. I'm sitting on a lobby couch, ignoring pages, head in my hands, crying my eyes out, while Addison, of all people, has a gentle hand on my back. She's sitting next to me making all these comforting, maternal noises, and not at all ready to stab me with one of her spike heels.

She's delegated responsibility, telling Cristina to warn Joe to have the tequila ready, and sent Mark out on a search for Derek, which could cost him the rest of his face, but Addison gave him a look, and he went anyway.

I lift my head from hands and wipe my eyes. Addison hands me a tissue which I accept gratefully. "God, did you see the way he looked at me?"

Addison nodded. "I've gotten that look before."

I check my watch. "God, it's been hours."

"He's not answering his phone." She says.

"Would you?"

"You didn't know."

"Addison, I'm sorry. I can't help but feel like, first Derek, now Mark…."

She shakes her head. "You've got bigger problems Meredith." I check my watch again.

"I'm officially off duty."

She nods. "I have been for awhile. My husband wants to be with you, doesn't he?" she asks, nonchalantly, as if it were a perfectly normal thing to say.

I decide to answer her like she asked. Casually. "He did."

Addison nods again, and slides her feet out of her heels. "So my husband wants to leave me for you. They guy I'm still in love with, which I can't explain, so don't ask, conned you into sleeping with him, for what I'm sure he thought was a self serving move, and they could have potentially killed each other."

I look at her, incredulously. There's a tiny smirk on her perfect lips. "Well when you put it that way…."

She looks back at me, eyebrows raised, mouth twisted into a perfect smirk. "You know I like you, Grey. And for some reason, this mess, sort of bonds us. And that kinds of makes me like you more. Let's get drunk."

* * *

_Addison _

I may have had a lobotomy. It's possible. My husband, after all, is a brain surgeon. He could have done a quick lobotomy and I would be none the wiser. Okay, that's ridiculous, but one, I've just spent the last three odd hours comforting Meredith Grey. Two, I've just admitted that I like her, and three, we're sliding into her Jeep and heading for The Emerald City Bar. Together.

And it's very strange. Oddly enough, I'm not angry. That Derek loves her. I'm a little angry that she slept with Mark, but I'm willing to overlook that. I think Derek is angry enough at her for the both of us.

It's very strange that my heart went out to the poor girl. I know that look that Derek gave her. I've been on the receiving end of that glance, and it wasn't fun. It's also beyond ironic that in my heart of hearts, I know where Derek is, and I'm going to help her go to him.

God knows how many shots later; Mark meets us at the bar. His cheek is swollen, split and bruised, yet he still ignites that lust in me. My heart swells and my stomach drops at the sight of him, yet it's more than the electric current zooming down my spine.

Even though I uncross and re cross my legs, letting my Jimmy Choo pumps speak for themselves- which they do, since they're five inches high and bright red- and toss my hair as if he were just another stranger in a bar, everything I know tells me I love this man.

He shakes his damaged, yet pretty head at us. "I can't find him anywhere."

So this is it. My decision time, I can shrug my shoulders, and go on living my manicured, picture perfect little lie with Derek, or I can tell them where he is. I can give Meredith the confidence she needs. I can start fresh with Mark, no matter how messy and real that might be.

Shrugging and staying with Derek would be easy. I'm east coast old money. Forced, police smiles and fake cordiality are like breathing to me. I can coexist in a loveless marriage.

But to send Meredith to Derek and begin anew with Mark. It's poetic, to an almost Gatsby like degree. New money meets old money. Daisy Buchanan and Jay Gatsby. That would be the challenge.

And I am Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd. I've always appreciated a good challenge. Or maybe I'm just drunk. Either way, I know that what I'm about to do could shatter everything, but I do it anyway.

"He's in New York." I blurt out. Meredith freezes with a shot glass halfway to her lips. She waits for a few seconds, pours it down her throat, and then looks at me.

"New York?" she echoes. "How do you know?"

"That's what he does, Meredith. He runs. Derek may not look like it, but when the walls are closing in on him, he runs the other way. He trusted you. You were the light at the end of his tunnel. You let him down, so he ran."

Meredith blinks at me with huge, grey eyes. "So I just have to wait for him to come back." She says, resigning herself to it, without thinking. She knocks back another shot, and looks at us with sad eyes. "If he comes back."

I feel my head shaking. Oh God, I _am_ drunk. "No. That's what I thought, and he never came back. You need to go there. Go after him."

She laughs a bitter laugh. "Like that's going to do any good."

I grip her tiny wrist and look into her eyes. "He needs to know you're not giving up on him." She stares back at me, obviously thinking about it. She sighs.

"Addison, that's crazy."

"Yes, it is. So do it."

She squints. "I'll never get a flight." Mark shakes his head.

"I have a flight. It leaves early tomorrow morning." He actually pulls out his wallet and producing the ticket. "It's sink or swim time, Grey." He says.

With a trembling hand, she reaches out and takes the ticket. "New York, huh?"


	6. Something Big

**Title: The Spirit Of The Season**

**Authors: Sara and Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, maybe sex**

**Disclaimer: Obviously the show does not belong to two college girls.**

**Summary: Not knowing who he is, Meredith sleeps with Mark. Derek confesses his love to her, and then finds out about Mark. In a jealous rage, he makes a lot of bad choices that send him back to New York. With Christmas looming, Meredith has a choice to make. She can forget him, or she can bring him back to Seattle. **

**Author's Note: We couldn't resist a Christmas story. Especially not one that culminates in the only city that can really celebrate Christmas. NYC. ****We're pretending the season 2 episode 'Yesterday' is set in late November/ early December. **

**Merry Christmas, all. This is all, with a possible New Years Eve epilogue to follow. Thanks for all the reviews- especially Laurenn, supershipper, Mia and Elphie Fae to name a few. Look for all of our stuff to be updated this week. **

**REVIEW. **

_"This feels strange and untrue,  
and I wont waste a minute  
without you."  
-Snow Patrol_

_December 24_

_Meredith _

Wow. So this is Christmas in New York City. I'm standing in Rockefeller Center, letting people surge by me. And I feel so small. I've never seen this city this way before.

I've been to New York City. I've seen it from the sleek windows of a Town Car when one of my cousins took me to the Statue Of Liberty when my mom had a conference. I've seen it from a taxi that picked my dad and I up at La Guardia and took us to a theatre to see Phantom Of The Opera.

I've never really been here, on the streets, with the people. And it's terrifying. This place, this city, this energy? It's overwhelming.

And it begs the question, what the _hell_ am I doing here? There are eight million people packed onto this tiny island, and I think I'm going to find one of them? And what if I do find him? Then what?

There are millions of girls on this tiny little island that are so much easier, and better for him than me. Girls who haven't slept with Mark, girls who haven't let him down. This was so stupid.

But here I am. I want to believe my negative thoughts. I want to believe the thoughts that are telling me hey, go back to Seattle. You'll find someone to love second best. You can get over this. You can leave.

But I know I'm lying. There's a reason I'm in Rockefeller Center on Christmas Eve, and as stunning as it is, it's not that Christmas tree. I push my way towards Fifth Avenue and start walking uptown.

I almost forget to look for him. The windows and the people and the lights and the buzz almost distract me from why I'm fighting for my life on this obscenely crowded city street.

I can't stop thinking about the way he looked at me, and the way he ripped his hand from mine, and I have to try. I scan faces, hair, anything that would make him recognizable as Derek. I reach this little plaza, and across the street Central Park is beginning.

I sink down on a bench, and, ran a heavy hand through my hair. I looked all day yesterday. I checked all of his favorite places that Addison told me about. And I couldn't find him. And I'm not going to.

Addison sent me with no luggage, just the keys to her brownstone and her Barney's charge card in case I needed clothes. My legs push concrete and I'm standing again, backtracking a few blocks in search of coffee before retiring to her massive brownstone and booking my flight back to Seattle.

I'm heading for 5th and 53rd, when something comes over me. I don't know how to describe it other than an energy, but it makes me turn around, and literally, my heart stopped beating. Because there, as the people simply moved around me as I stood, rooted to the spot, was Derek Shepherd. In a city of eight million people, I was looking at the only person I wanted to see.

He meets my eyes, and a strange look comes over his face, reminiscent of the one he gave me in the elevator. That day feels like a lifetime ago. I push through the crowd, until I'm standing in front of him. He takes my hand, and pulls me back to the plaza I was just sitting in. We plop down on a bench and sit in silence for a long time….

* * *

_Derek_

She came after me. It's unbelievable, really. That this tiny little surgical intern from Seattle by way of Boston got on a plane and came all the way out to New York City, in the vain hope of finding me.

And that she did, is truly phenomenal. I don't know where I stand on the belief in one true God, but I have inklings about a higher power, destiny, and fate, and this is it. Logically, we shouldn't be sitting here right now.

A normal person would not have chased me across a country, to the biggest city in the country. A normal person wouldn't have been out on these crowded city streets searching for me, and this girl, Meredith Grey would not have found me unless she was _supposed_ to.

"You came to New York." I hear myself say, turning to her. She nods, tears glistening in her eyes.

"Yea, I did, Derek. I couldn't leave it like it was in Seattle."

"You flew three thousand miles to apologize?"

"I flew three thousand miles to find you. The apology is coming now that I've found you."

"You _found_ me." I repeat incredulously. "Because you came looking for me. My own wife didn't even come looking for me."

She looks down at our still joined, gloved hands. "Derek, I know you probably don't want to see me, or here this, but I couldn't just, let this go until I told you how truly sorry I am."

She looks back at me, her grey eyes huge, and glistening. "That day, you were so sweet to me, and then you were just so cold, and I… I didn't know what to do, how to make it better. So I was drunk, and stupid, and I didn't know that Mark was Mark, and…" She trails off, and her gaze wanders, her eyes tracing the park over my shoulder, the Plaza Hotel in front of us, and the skyline of the city behind her shoulder.

"This is ridiculous. It's ridiculous that you wanted to be with me, and that what happened actually happened and that I found you here. I'm just so sorry."

For a long time, I don't say anything. "I ran." I blurt out finally. "I didn't know how to get perspective on what happened. It was this huge thing staring me down, and I didn't know how to see around it."

She leans forward, and places a tiny kiss on my cheek, and one on my lips. I pull away startled. She coughs nervously. "Sorry."

I feel myself grabbing her, and kissing her, really, really kissing her.

"It's okay, Mer." I say, pulling away. "It's all okay. Mark, everything, it doesn't matter."

She gives me a look like she doesn't believe me at all. "Life is short, Meredith. We're doctors, we know that better than anyone. There aren't any guarantees. I don't want to waste any more time without you. I love you, Meredith Grey. I want to make this work."

The most gorgeous smile I've ever seen breaks across her face, and she whispers, "I found you."

"You found me. That means something. That means something so big, I can't talk about it without sounding like Burke, or George, but it means something. Something like you're the end for me, Mer."

And when she kisses me this time, in this city we don't belong in, I know it's right.

"Come on." I whisper. "We can get back to Seattle by Christmas morning."


End file.
